My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
