Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
did you just send me my own nude
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