I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
