dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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