meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
