imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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