Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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