I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
