i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
