i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
