Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
