We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
