you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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