I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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