Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
