I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
