I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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