I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
