Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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