getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
