Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
