Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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