I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
