I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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