Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
