when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I woke up under a house in Key West
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
