as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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