Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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