I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i've created a new STD.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
