Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
