9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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