Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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