yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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