omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
