so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
