Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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