My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize