I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
