Fine. I'll sleep in my office
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just had sex on a roof
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Randomize
