i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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