ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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