So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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