youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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