Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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