Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
