yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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