Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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