hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
