his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
