She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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