this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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