I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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