the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
