My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
