I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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