i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
