I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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